Greetings all who may or may not care,
It is 2:56am here right now. Insomnia seems to have come back, I want to be up when my fiance awakens so I do not want to take my sleeping pills. It seems that Futurama, CSI, and Law and Order SVU (my old faithful friends) are not helping this time around.
Well I started a Blog. I have never really gotten the point of these, hell I even gave my fiance a hard time when she created one. I don't want to sit here and be fake with anyone who chooses to read this Blog so beware, when you read this you get the real me, no frills, no fake shit. Just me. I think I am going to post the link of this Blog up on DaeZig Public Forums and maybe Sinsira Forums and then just leave it at that. I honestly don't care who reads this or if I get a bunch of hits or whatever.
I find this ironic because I don't read Blogs. I don't CARE about Blogs. There are only three things that people create Blogs for (in my opinion); to bitch, to be fake, or to be dramatic. This time you are gonna find a Blog that really is not that exciting and you will find that I am trying to be as real with you as I possibly can. Huh....real...
What is real? How can you be real with others if you have such a hard time being real with yourself? Think about it, we are being told all the time that we have to trick ourselves. Especially with diets. "Hey drink a lot of water, or eat this bar, and you will FEEL like you are full!". What the hell? I mean it goes farther than that I guess. A lot farther...I spend most of my time trying to figure out if I am lying to myself or not, am I really a nice person like I think I am? Am I really as un-attractive as I feel? When I think I am right and I fight, and fight, and FIGHT my case...am I really right, or IN the right? So how can someone be real with someone else if they can't even be real with themselves.
I think I am starting to treat this like a journal instead of a Blog. I don't really get the difference anyway! (lol)
I have spent the last month thinking long and hard about my future. I think I missed something growing up. I am twenty years old and I still have a MILLION things I want to do with my life and NO way to do ANY of them. When kids are asked; "What do you want to be when you grow up?", they normally respond with "Fireman!" or something...how come the teacher or person who originally asked the kid what they wanted to be say something real like "Well, guess what, only so many people can be FireMen in this town! So if you want to be a fireman make sure that you work out and prolly join the military first! Also, don't think you won't have to work a fast-food job!" I don't know, maybe I was raised differently than the rest of y'all, but I was made to believe I could do ANYTHING I wanted.
Anything I want huh? Well now I find myself really disappointed. I can't even get that fast food job. Have you ever noticed that every place you apply for wants experience? The expect you to have experience even if you are semi-new to the job market. My dream? I want to be an actor. Simple as that. I want to act. HOWEVER...if I can't do that I want to do something that has to do with psychology. I was thinking of my goal being an FBI profiler. I just feel hopeless to be honest. I feel like there is no point in ever trying for anything but a minimum wage job. What good am I going to be to my future wife? Shit. Forget kids. What about just the two of US.
Well, I think I am going to leave it at that for now. My eyes grow tired, maybe I can get to sleep before four.
So, there it is. Funny huh? I still have insomnia, I still feel depressed sometimes but I think I have certainly grown since then. Funny how things change. I still want to act to but I realize how improbable that is. Well, I think this will be my last post before I go to bed. Yes, I still might post something later in the day but I feel like I am starting to post way too much.
Live, Laugh, Love,
Rick
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